Here I am...Ushering in the last day of 2015 in the wee hours of the morning. I haven't blogged since Kaydence's birthday in February. Geesh. I'm a slacker at this blogging thing. I'm a slacker mostly because my family, my job, and my volunteer work kind of suck all of my time up and most days I can barely move by nine o'clock in the evening. I just can't help myself because when I feel like I REALLY need to sit down and write, then I had better listen to that voice.
I will now attempt to describe what just keeps going through my brain. Christmas brings so many emotions and since the year of Kaydence, now four years ago (crazy isn't it?), there are so many extra emotions. Used to, I would watch my mother-in-law just get kind of sad from January to nearly June, because Wes, my late brother-in-law, had a January birthday and died in May on Mother's Day weekend. So life just kind of got sad and it still does a little it seems. Now, even though Kaydence is with us, I just have a "Groundhog Day" moment during December because that is when we found out things weren't right with that pregnancy and life just feels a little sad for me. Some people may think, "Be grateful for what did not happen and get over it," but during that time, I had to mourn the loss of that "normal" child. I had to begin letting go of that. I had to start talking openly with my husband about where we were going to bury her if she didn't survive as predicted. Life just changed so much during that time that life will never, ever be the same. I also reflect very deeply about the birth of Jesus Christ and how did Mary process all of that. Give birth to a child to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sorry selves? You'll think yourself crazy if you ponder that too long. So, back to right now, I just feel sad some days.
I was doing okay until Abigail said a few days ago, "Mom, when is KK going to get big and start walking and talking so I can play with her? Will she do that when she turns four?" She was so sincere. She has asked these questions before, but this time it was just a little different. It just broke my heart and I had to again explain that Kaydence was made differently and that we will hope that she starts to walk and talk when she is four, but we need to play with her now and teach her those things. Again, like hundreds of times before, I thought of the moments we don't have here at our house. Abigail does want to play with her sister, and her sister wants to play too, but KK doesn't want to stop pulling Abigail's hair, so Abigail doesn't play with her as much as I'd hope for. Those moments are hard. Today was no exception. I just felt a little angry as I changed Kaydence's diaper, after I had fed her. I was angry because were there no damage to her, she would be potty trained right now, she would be able to consistently feed herself right now, she would be playing tea parties and dress up and baby dolls and barbies with Abigail right now. There would be no question about if it is time for a "big girl bed" right now. I told God I was just frustrated and that I wanted her to walk and talk and play dress up and tea parties and baby dolls with her sister. I want two little giggling sisters who are as thick as thieves. That is what I always imagined life would be like with two sisters just two years apart in age, but the reality could not be further from that.
Then, God just showed off and told me to relax and let Him handle it. Tonight, Kaydence was in her room playing, and Abigail and I were in the living room. I heard some noises and looked up and there she was headed toward me. She had stood up and positioned herself correctly in her walker (that the school lets us borrow - she uses it there) and WALKED into the living room. Abigail and I were speechless at first, but man we cheered her on and I frantically tried to get good pictures (because helloooo, Facebook documentation). My baby walked on her own accord with no leg braces or help getting into her walker. I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene (hum the tune in your head!) because here I am in such a weak-minded moment and God just heard me and gave me a renewal of hope for Kaydence's future. I firmly believe she will get there, maybe even in the fourth year. Only God knows for sure, but I am so thankful for the glimpse today.
I will now attempt to describe what just keeps going through my brain. Christmas brings so many emotions and since the year of Kaydence, now four years ago (crazy isn't it?), there are so many extra emotions. Used to, I would watch my mother-in-law just get kind of sad from January to nearly June, because Wes, my late brother-in-law, had a January birthday and died in May on Mother's Day weekend. So life just kind of got sad and it still does a little it seems. Now, even though Kaydence is with us, I just have a "Groundhog Day" moment during December because that is when we found out things weren't right with that pregnancy and life just feels a little sad for me. Some people may think, "Be grateful for what did not happen and get over it," but during that time, I had to mourn the loss of that "normal" child. I had to begin letting go of that. I had to start talking openly with my husband about where we were going to bury her if she didn't survive as predicted. Life just changed so much during that time that life will never, ever be the same. I also reflect very deeply about the birth of Jesus Christ and how did Mary process all of that. Give birth to a child to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sorry selves? You'll think yourself crazy if you ponder that too long. So, back to right now, I just feel sad some days.
I was doing okay until Abigail said a few days ago, "Mom, when is KK going to get big and start walking and talking so I can play with her? Will she do that when she turns four?" She was so sincere. She has asked these questions before, but this time it was just a little different. It just broke my heart and I had to again explain that Kaydence was made differently and that we will hope that she starts to walk and talk when she is four, but we need to play with her now and teach her those things. Again, like hundreds of times before, I thought of the moments we don't have here at our house. Abigail does want to play with her sister, and her sister wants to play too, but KK doesn't want to stop pulling Abigail's hair, so Abigail doesn't play with her as much as I'd hope for. Those moments are hard. Today was no exception. I just felt a little angry as I changed Kaydence's diaper, after I had fed her. I was angry because were there no damage to her, she would be potty trained right now, she would be able to consistently feed herself right now, she would be playing tea parties and dress up and baby dolls and barbies with Abigail right now. There would be no question about if it is time for a "big girl bed" right now. I told God I was just frustrated and that I wanted her to walk and talk and play dress up and tea parties and baby dolls with her sister. I want two little giggling sisters who are as thick as thieves. That is what I always imagined life would be like with two sisters just two years apart in age, but the reality could not be further from that.
Then, God just showed off and told me to relax and let Him handle it. Tonight, Kaydence was in her room playing, and Abigail and I were in the living room. I heard some noises and looked up and there she was headed toward me. She had stood up and positioned herself correctly in her walker (that the school lets us borrow - she uses it there) and WALKED into the living room. Abigail and I were speechless at first, but man we cheered her on and I frantically tried to get good pictures (because helloooo, Facebook documentation). My baby walked on her own accord with no leg braces or help getting into her walker. I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene (hum the tune in your head!) because here I am in such a weak-minded moment and God just heard me and gave me a renewal of hope for Kaydence's future. I firmly believe she will get there, maybe even in the fourth year. Only God knows for sure, but I am so thankful for the glimpse today.
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