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Kaydence is turning 3!

I realize it's been forever since I've written here, but life is so busy! I felt the urge to write this, because, let's be honest, there is no way Facebook will let me post a status this long. Kaydence turns 3 in a matter of minutes. She will probably be 3 years old by the time I get through writing this post. Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with her and feeling like I wanted to just wake up from a bad dream. Today, she is turning into a sweet little girl.

Where do I even start? I guess I'll start with a word of thanksgiving that God has blessed me with such a treasure. I still don't understand why He would choose me to care for a child like Kaydence Grace. I'm really unworthy of any blessings, yet He chose me for her and her for me. She melts me every single day. You see, I'm still the same sinner I was when I started this blog. I'm not perfect, but He washes away my sins anyway. I'm so thankful. The sins change, my heart has certainly yearned more for God, but I will never be worthy of what He has done for me.

Oh, Kaydence Grace. How you have changed me for the better. Selfishness is a battle for me each day. It's so easy to get wrapped up in what I want: what I want to eat, what I want to wear, what I want to say or do or listen to. However each time I look at her, my focus shifts to what does Kaydence need from me? Have I fed her, changed her, played with her - enough? Lately, I'm so tired I just can't play with her a lot, but I give her all the time I can for bathtime (her very favorite time of the day) and bedtime. I look in her eyes and smile. She is such a beauty (and seriously, looks nothing like the rest of us), and her ability to manipulate is honestly amazing to me. She is determined to be like others around her, and she likes to be in control.

She has made me question everything I've ever said or thought. No one ever gets pregnant and hopes for a baby who will be developmentally delayed, which is a fancy word for mentally retarded. That is a tough pill to swallow folks. I can remember Abigail and Wade never had a problem talking by a year old and Kaydence is 3 and basically non-verbal. I have said before that I wouldn't know how to handle one of my kids not speaking well - and she doesn't speak yet! This week, we attended her very first ARD meeting at school because she is now about to start school so that she gets some extra help academically. As a "vocational teacher," I've sat through many, many of these meetings and never did I think that I'd have a child who needed them. Glad God prepared me! She will do great at school I think and I am again thankful for our little school district. They will take great care of her, but I am still nervous. You see, I realize that as she ages, other kids will accept her, but they will know she is different. I am nervous about those days. I spoke one afternoon with the Physical Therapist at the school, and she asked me if we had ever tried K in an electric wheelchair because she thought she would be able to get around so easily in it. I politely said no, we haven't ever tried that but, in my mind, I was screaming, "NO. MY KID WILL NOT USE A WHEELCHAIR!" I refrained, and thought never, because she will walk.

I constantly fight off bitterness and anger. I stop and remind myself how blessed I am to have Kaydence here with me. Many CMV kids don't make it very long. Many aren't as healthy as K is. It gets hard some days though, when you see other kids her age and you realize where she isn't. She isn't walking or talking. She still plays with baby toys instead of baby dolls. She can't climb up a slide. She is barely over 20 pounds. She can't sing little songs yet and doesn't care to pick a flower and smell it. She won't feed herself and still has to have soft mashed foods. I just hope that by age 6 she will be potty trained. But the worst is when Abigail gets so upset because Kaydence just wants to pull her hair and she has nothing to do with her, yet at the babysitter's house Abigail plays and giggles with the other girls Kaydence's age. That is hard. That is when I really have to work on bitterness having no place in my heart. I was so excited to have another baby, and I knew she would be a girl. I wanted daughters to love each other, play ring around the rosies, sing and giggle together. Sisters and best friends (and sometimes worst enemies), but we don't get that a lot here. We get frustration and questions of when will she stop, when will she be big like the others?

Yes, I have to work on me to help her. I am just a broken woman. Completely broken and leaning on God because I really have no other option. I am weary physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have prayed until I just can't pray anymore. Some days I think I need medication and then others I think, "Just let God pull you together." So much easier said than done. And honestly, I hate to pray for myself, because I feel like I'd rather God spend the miracles on healing Kaydence, than to work on me. She needs it, and when she meets a new milestone, a little piece of me is healed in that miracle too.

Now, to brag on what she CAN do: Kaydence can pull up to stand and walk around furniture. She can lead you walking around the house by taking your hands in her and pulling you along. She can sit up in the bathtub and play. She has never been hospitalized since she left the NICU. We've been blessed to be seizure free. She can definitely process a lot mentally. I tell Tommy all the time she would be the genius child if she could get her brain and body to work together and she could really focus. She likes walking up and down our stairs with help. She likes it outside. She lets you know when she is done with something. She can say hi and bye. She knows how to love. She only likes Frozen. She loves to stand at the piano and play it. She prefers verse one of Jesus Loves Me and says her version of "again" to let me know she wants to hear it again. She also likes The Lord's Prayer, and not one that's off the cuff. She is amazing. She is a gift.

Do I have a real point with all of this rambling? Not really. It's probably the most unorganized collection of thoughts I've had in a while, but maybe if I start writing again, I'll get my mind straight again. So, Happy Birthday Kaydence Grace. I'm so thankful for 3 years of you. I hope for many, many more.

Comments

  1. Beautifully real and honest! Love you, Sister!

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  2. We all doubt ourselves as moms wives Christians. Are we ever enough? But like you said you let God take it and handle it. That is what makes you the perfect you with imperfections that still makes God love you and take care of you!!! You are an awesome MOM, wife, Christian, friend, the list can go on. You are truly amazing Wendy!!! I'm so blessed to call you a friend!!!!

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  3. luton meet and greet is the special parking service with extra benefits.

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