Since we have found happier ground right now, I thought I'd take a moment to share with you what has been my lowest point in this journey thus far - and I hope it is the lowest point period! I know, you're probably wondering why I am regressing to this story, but there may be someone out there who has felt this way and didn't know how to make sense of it, or feels guilty for feeling that way.
So the day that I got that call that my amniotic fluid had tested positive for CMV, I texted my pastor and she came right out that afternoon. Tommy, the kids, and I were outside swinging and playing in the sunshine for a little bit when she arrived. She and I went in the house for a little while to pray and counsel. Now, keep in mind, I had already did a lot of thinking before she got there. We again talked about the possibility that God might just choose to take this tiny soul to be with Him. I might not ever know her outside of the womb on earth, but I would know her in Heaven. Pastor Joy pointed out that if Kaydence goes to be with God, that it is between Kaydence and God, and that Tommy and Wendy have nothing to do with that. I sincerely felt the same way. I have no control over this soul, she belongs to her Creator. I am merely just a vessel and He has chosen me to care for her. Through her life, I pray, Tommy and I will raise her to love and respect God and raise her to be a glory to Him. This is the true for all of our children. Our parents did the same for us.
I told Pastor Joy very tearfully, that I prayed to God that if Kaydence was not going to have quality of life upon birth to please let her be with Him. I know that sounds hard to believe that any mother would do that, but folks, there are things worse than death. She will be free of all pain and sorrow with God - someday we all will if we believe in Him. But again, I have no control over that but I wanted God to know I am open to His will for the life of both Kaydence and myself. I think that this moment is THE LOWEST I have ever felt in my life. Tommy came in and we talked about what we will do if she never takes her first breath. We talked about the fact that if that happens, someone might want her body for science and that we wanted to bury her, not give her to someone else. Tommy and I even talked about how we will bury her next to Wes, his brother who died so tragically. We acknowledge that things might not turn out the way we at first had imagined, but there are things we cannot control. We have to rely on God and what He wants for us.
We cannot outsmart God. We do not know it all. We probably never will because to be honest, when we get to Heaven, we aren't going to care. We will be too busy praising God.
Speaking of praising God, lately I have found comfort in the words of songs I have heard all of my life and my mind sings them all the time. I don't know how many of you are this way, but I hear music in my head all the time (and I don't think I'm crazy.) I cannot get Part the Waters/I Need Thee by Selah out of my mind! Nor can I shake their rendition of Once Upon a Christmas. But I Need Thee, Rock of Ages, It is Well, Standing on the Promises - those are with me always. I hope your heart sings to God through every moment in your life -even the low moments because that is when we need to sing the most.
And again, I will reiterate that I am feeling the prayers of many people being answered and that reports for Kaydence have been so good lately. I even took a step out on faith yesterday and ordered her a gown for her Baptism I hope will be in April. Tommy and I actually went in the room that will be her nursery and talked about how to fit the furniture in it. I hope to go to Canton next month and buy her bedding so I can get the room decorated for this special blessing. I have begun to feel excitement again and I thank God for that!
So the day that I got that call that my amniotic fluid had tested positive for CMV, I texted my pastor and she came right out that afternoon. Tommy, the kids, and I were outside swinging and playing in the sunshine for a little bit when she arrived. She and I went in the house for a little while to pray and counsel. Now, keep in mind, I had already did a lot of thinking before she got there. We again talked about the possibility that God might just choose to take this tiny soul to be with Him. I might not ever know her outside of the womb on earth, but I would know her in Heaven. Pastor Joy pointed out that if Kaydence goes to be with God, that it is between Kaydence and God, and that Tommy and Wendy have nothing to do with that. I sincerely felt the same way. I have no control over this soul, she belongs to her Creator. I am merely just a vessel and He has chosen me to care for her. Through her life, I pray, Tommy and I will raise her to love and respect God and raise her to be a glory to Him. This is the true for all of our children. Our parents did the same for us.
I told Pastor Joy very tearfully, that I prayed to God that if Kaydence was not going to have quality of life upon birth to please let her be with Him. I know that sounds hard to believe that any mother would do that, but folks, there are things worse than death. She will be free of all pain and sorrow with God - someday we all will if we believe in Him. But again, I have no control over that but I wanted God to know I am open to His will for the life of both Kaydence and myself. I think that this moment is THE LOWEST I have ever felt in my life. Tommy came in and we talked about what we will do if she never takes her first breath. We talked about the fact that if that happens, someone might want her body for science and that we wanted to bury her, not give her to someone else. Tommy and I even talked about how we will bury her next to Wes, his brother who died so tragically. We acknowledge that things might not turn out the way we at first had imagined, but there are things we cannot control. We have to rely on God and what He wants for us.
We cannot outsmart God. We do not know it all. We probably never will because to be honest, when we get to Heaven, we aren't going to care. We will be too busy praising God.
Speaking of praising God, lately I have found comfort in the words of songs I have heard all of my life and my mind sings them all the time. I don't know how many of you are this way, but I hear music in my head all the time (and I don't think I'm crazy.) I cannot get Part the Waters/I Need Thee by Selah out of my mind! Nor can I shake their rendition of Once Upon a Christmas. But I Need Thee, Rock of Ages, It is Well, Standing on the Promises - those are with me always. I hope your heart sings to God through every moment in your life -even the low moments because that is when we need to sing the most.
And again, I will reiterate that I am feeling the prayers of many people being answered and that reports for Kaydence have been so good lately. I even took a step out on faith yesterday and ordered her a gown for her Baptism I hope will be in April. Tommy and I actually went in the room that will be her nursery and talked about how to fit the furniture in it. I hope to go to Canton next month and buy her bedding so I can get the room decorated for this special blessing. I have begun to feel excitement again and I thank God for that!
Wendy, thank you for sharing that moment with us. I don't see how any christian could not understand that feeling. I know it is hard for you putting these things in writing, just as it is hard for those of us reading them..You bless me daily with this & I am grateful that you are sharing this time in you life... Continued prayers & love..
ReplyDeleteWendy, I want to thank you for sharing your heart. We never know when what we are experiencing could help another. As far as your prayer about Kaydence and quality of life, I can so relate. I prayed the same prayer when Ron had his stroke. I certainly did not want to lose him, but I knew if he had no quality of life, he would not be 'living'. God chose to answer my prayers. It is heart-wrenching when we have to say such prayers, but God knows our hearts. I continue to pray for Baby Kaydence as well as your entire family. I can't wait to see pictures of that new nursery!!!
ReplyDeleteWendy.. You are such a strong woman and wonderful mother to your children. Your and Kaydence's story is so uplifting and sad at the same time. We are praying for you and your family. There is always HOPE..I told that to your mother the day before Christmas when I was playing with Makenzi and Abagail...God works in mysterious ways..Keep writing..your doing great!
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