I had no idea how physically and mentally exhausted I really was until I was home and able to rest. The funny thing about my job is that you just never ever seem to get a break even though we are preached to about balancing family and work. I had been extremely nauseous, tired, and weak. I remember even looking up one day and asking God for a break, for rest. Well, He answered my prayer!
The best thing about this time? I had so many calls and visitors. I loved hearing from my college buddies and Julie even came and spent an entire afternoon with me. My kids came in and snuggled with me and were so precious. I don't think Wade has been that nice to me in a long time. We are sometimes a little too much alike and clash, but he is my sweet boy through and through. My pastor came to see me the day after the amniocentesis. She spent a long time with me just talking to me, counseling me and held my hand. I don't know about you, but I never thought at 34 years old I would be laying in my bed, completely dependent on others, and my church pastor counseling with me. That situation is for really old people! It was very surreal.
So what were the thoughts in my mind and what did my pastor and I talk about? First of all, I couldn't shake the thought that Kaydence could have a chromosomal disorder that would cause her to die. I told Tommy one of the main reasons I wanted to do the amniocentesis was because I needed to know if those lethal issues were a possibility. I had to know if I would be planning a nursery or planning a funeral. It sounds awful that I would think that way, but at this point it was a real possibility. Pastor Joy and I talked about the possibility that God would take Kaydence to be home with Him, but I would know her in Heaven. She asked that if Kaydence does pass, that we dress her, we bury her, and we acknowledge her as a life.
The ladies in my church actually have a group that crochet preemie clothes for donation to those who are facing a situation like me. Pastor Joy was a chaplain in a hospital who counseled with families who lost babies prematurely. She has told us her accounts in several sermons and there is never a dry eye in the sanctuary on those days. Tommy and I thought that God had sent her to our church because we had some sick folks, including my mother-in-law, that needed her type of ministry. Little did we know, that all of those sermons, and her experiences, were meant to bring her to us personally as well. God sends us the people we need! He doesn't expect us to go through things alone. He sends help! Isn't that awesome?
Anyway, Pastor Joy had said that if the time came, that I could select pretty clothing to dress Kaydence for burial if that was God's will. All this time, I have admired what my church family was doing in this ministry, but never did I consider I might benefit from it personally, but how special that if the worst happens, that I can dress my beautiful baby in something handmade by her very own church family. And family they truly are! I dearly love my church family and each Sunday I look so forward to worshipping with them. We don't have a large church, but I think God has done some powerful things in it. I hope that when community members see our little church, that they realize God is working here and that we, as a church family, can help spread the good news of Jesus Christ effectively!
I had some alone time during these days as well and I prayed and read my Bible. I read Psalms 27 over and over and Psalms 62. You should read them if you haven't. Now I know better than to try and bargain with God, but I told Him flatly I am completely submitted to His will no matter what it is and I will do whatever He asks of me but that I will probably need a lot of help to figure it all out. I even told Him I would even drive a minivan if I had to - but I really don't think He is requiring that of me! I just really wanted these test results to be favorable. I don't consider submission to God's will a bargaining tool as we should all feel that way all the time. It can hurt though when that will isn't ours and when it isn't what we think ought to be. But then again, it is about God and not us!
The next Monday I finally got the call that the fish test results had come back and it was not a chromosomal abnormality. Say it with me now, "Praise God!" However, my blood work they had sent off had come back and I had tested positive for CMV antibodies, so they would be sending off more amniotic fluid that they had drawn to be tested for CMV, or cytomegalovirus.
The best thing about this time? I had so many calls and visitors. I loved hearing from my college buddies and Julie even came and spent an entire afternoon with me. My kids came in and snuggled with me and were so precious. I don't think Wade has been that nice to me in a long time. We are sometimes a little too much alike and clash, but he is my sweet boy through and through. My pastor came to see me the day after the amniocentesis. She spent a long time with me just talking to me, counseling me and held my hand. I don't know about you, but I never thought at 34 years old I would be laying in my bed, completely dependent on others, and my church pastor counseling with me. That situation is for really old people! It was very surreal.
So what were the thoughts in my mind and what did my pastor and I talk about? First of all, I couldn't shake the thought that Kaydence could have a chromosomal disorder that would cause her to die. I told Tommy one of the main reasons I wanted to do the amniocentesis was because I needed to know if those lethal issues were a possibility. I had to know if I would be planning a nursery or planning a funeral. It sounds awful that I would think that way, but at this point it was a real possibility. Pastor Joy and I talked about the possibility that God would take Kaydence to be home with Him, but I would know her in Heaven. She asked that if Kaydence does pass, that we dress her, we bury her, and we acknowledge her as a life.
The ladies in my church actually have a group that crochet preemie clothes for donation to those who are facing a situation like me. Pastor Joy was a chaplain in a hospital who counseled with families who lost babies prematurely. She has told us her accounts in several sermons and there is never a dry eye in the sanctuary on those days. Tommy and I thought that God had sent her to our church because we had some sick folks, including my mother-in-law, that needed her type of ministry. Little did we know, that all of those sermons, and her experiences, were meant to bring her to us personally as well. God sends us the people we need! He doesn't expect us to go through things alone. He sends help! Isn't that awesome?
Anyway, Pastor Joy had said that if the time came, that I could select pretty clothing to dress Kaydence for burial if that was God's will. All this time, I have admired what my church family was doing in this ministry, but never did I consider I might benefit from it personally, but how special that if the worst happens, that I can dress my beautiful baby in something handmade by her very own church family. And family they truly are! I dearly love my church family and each Sunday I look so forward to worshipping with them. We don't have a large church, but I think God has done some powerful things in it. I hope that when community members see our little church, that they realize God is working here and that we, as a church family, can help spread the good news of Jesus Christ effectively!
I had some alone time during these days as well and I prayed and read my Bible. I read Psalms 27 over and over and Psalms 62. You should read them if you haven't. Now I know better than to try and bargain with God, but I told Him flatly I am completely submitted to His will no matter what it is and I will do whatever He asks of me but that I will probably need a lot of help to figure it all out. I even told Him I would even drive a minivan if I had to - but I really don't think He is requiring that of me! I just really wanted these test results to be favorable. I don't consider submission to God's will a bargaining tool as we should all feel that way all the time. It can hurt though when that will isn't ours and when it isn't what we think ought to be. But then again, it is about God and not us!
The next Monday I finally got the call that the fish test results had come back and it was not a chromosomal abnormality. Say it with me now, "Praise God!" However, my blood work they had sent off had come back and I had tested positive for CMV antibodies, so they would be sending off more amniotic fluid that they had drawn to be tested for CMV, or cytomegalovirus.
Comments
Post a Comment