So there we were on our way to Dallas to the Fetal Care Center the day before Christmas Eve. Boy this was going to be a fun visit with Gloom and Doom. A different nurse took us back and took my blood pressure. She was sad because she and her husband were new empty nesters this year and wouldn't get to see their kids at Christmas because she didn't get enough days off. After she left, Tommy said he hated the rooms there. They are so depressing.
Then walked in, not the doctor we had been seeing, but Dr. Magee, who is the one who actually performed the amniocentesis. Hmmmm. What would he have to say? He looked at the sonogram and looked some more. Then he proceeded to tell us all of the good things we have to be thankful for. First of all my amniotic fluid levels were looking good. A baby practices swallowing and breathing in the womb. If levels of fluid get too high, it might indicate she didn't know how to swallow. So far, it looked like she did. So every time I get a sonogram (which is now weekly) this will be an important thing that will be checked. Also she was active - another good sign. And the next thing is one that I had actually mentioned to Tommy before going in. There were no calcifications on her brain, which was still a little small, but calcifications are basically scarring. This was great!
I had been reading on StopCMV.org all of these stories of people whose babies were born with CMV. I should not have done that, but all of the stories that had the worst things going on seemed to have brain calcifications in common. I had told Tommy about this and said that I would feel better if we never saw such things on our sonograms. So you can imagine how thrilled I was.
Off topic for a minute, StopCMV.org is not the place you want to go read about people in similar situations. I feel like this website only has the most horrible stories listed. It took a lot of reading before I found one story where the baby had only mild symptoms and was doing okay. Statistically, your odds are actually better that your baby will be born okay. Maybe not perfect, but okay. The nurse had actually told me that too when she first told me that I had tested positive for CMV. She said she had been a NICU nurse for a while and that this condition was manageable and these babies were born small, a little weak, and they usually had feeding problems because of that, but after a little while in the NICU they went home fine. But this website is really depressing.
The last thing Doctor Magee said was that we needed to have hope. He also said that I should try not to worry, and that if I did start to worry, I needed to "just let my faith slap it around." He added that I needed to let them do the worrying. That just makes me smile. I think the smile is mostly because I know he is a Christian.
We had hope, which we didn't really discuss this remark, and having hope was great because it was Christmas. We love Christmas time, but so far this year I was having to work extra hard to be excited about Christmas. We attended family celebrations as usual, and we attended Christmas Eve service at church as usual. My family is Baptist, and we have never been a part of a Baptist church which has Christmas Eve services, so when Tommy and I got together and I went to the Methodist church with him, it was just really hard for my family to understand this event. Now they actually ask what time the service is so we can make it to Christmas at my Grandma's AND the service too. It was actually very hard for my family to understand me going to the Methodist church! But after 9 or so years, they are now okay with it! During the Christmas Eve service at church, I also usually sing "Oh Holy Night." I love singing this solo. It is my most favorite song to sing, but this year I had to tell my pastor I just couldn't do it. I am very emotional as it is when I sing on a regular basis and during pregnancy it is worse, so there was no way I could make it through the song. I couldn't sing ANY of my traditional seasonal solos this year, which makes my heart hurt because I love to sing solos at church - especially at Christmas.
I love music in general and I want my children to love music - but I know that may not be a gift God bestows on them. I think that one of the things that bothers me about CMV is that it causes hearing loss a lot of times and I just cannot imagine Kaydence not being able to hear music and sing or play an instrument. Music is my way of truly worshipping God and again, I want my kids to be able to do this too. I guess I have this selfish vision of my kids being able to sing and play together and with me, but hey, if hearing loss is all that Kaydence may have happen, then I guess I will just praise God anyway and she will find her own way to worship Him.
Then walked in, not the doctor we had been seeing, but Dr. Magee, who is the one who actually performed the amniocentesis. Hmmmm. What would he have to say? He looked at the sonogram and looked some more. Then he proceeded to tell us all of the good things we have to be thankful for. First of all my amniotic fluid levels were looking good. A baby practices swallowing and breathing in the womb. If levels of fluid get too high, it might indicate she didn't know how to swallow. So far, it looked like she did. So every time I get a sonogram (which is now weekly) this will be an important thing that will be checked. Also she was active - another good sign. And the next thing is one that I had actually mentioned to Tommy before going in. There were no calcifications on her brain, which was still a little small, but calcifications are basically scarring. This was great!
I had been reading on StopCMV.org all of these stories of people whose babies were born with CMV. I should not have done that, but all of the stories that had the worst things going on seemed to have brain calcifications in common. I had told Tommy about this and said that I would feel better if we never saw such things on our sonograms. So you can imagine how thrilled I was.
Off topic for a minute, StopCMV.org is not the place you want to go read about people in similar situations. I feel like this website only has the most horrible stories listed. It took a lot of reading before I found one story where the baby had only mild symptoms and was doing okay. Statistically, your odds are actually better that your baby will be born okay. Maybe not perfect, but okay. The nurse had actually told me that too when she first told me that I had tested positive for CMV. She said she had been a NICU nurse for a while and that this condition was manageable and these babies were born small, a little weak, and they usually had feeding problems because of that, but after a little while in the NICU they went home fine. But this website is really depressing.
The last thing Doctor Magee said was that we needed to have hope. He also said that I should try not to worry, and that if I did start to worry, I needed to "just let my faith slap it around." He added that I needed to let them do the worrying. That just makes me smile. I think the smile is mostly because I know he is a Christian.
We had hope, which we didn't really discuss this remark, and having hope was great because it was Christmas. We love Christmas time, but so far this year I was having to work extra hard to be excited about Christmas. We attended family celebrations as usual, and we attended Christmas Eve service at church as usual. My family is Baptist, and we have never been a part of a Baptist church which has Christmas Eve services, so when Tommy and I got together and I went to the Methodist church with him, it was just really hard for my family to understand this event. Now they actually ask what time the service is so we can make it to Christmas at my Grandma's AND the service too. It was actually very hard for my family to understand me going to the Methodist church! But after 9 or so years, they are now okay with it! During the Christmas Eve service at church, I also usually sing "Oh Holy Night." I love singing this solo. It is my most favorite song to sing, but this year I had to tell my pastor I just couldn't do it. I am very emotional as it is when I sing on a regular basis and during pregnancy it is worse, so there was no way I could make it through the song. I couldn't sing ANY of my traditional seasonal solos this year, which makes my heart hurt because I love to sing solos at church - especially at Christmas.
I love music in general and I want my children to love music - but I know that may not be a gift God bestows on them. I think that one of the things that bothers me about CMV is that it causes hearing loss a lot of times and I just cannot imagine Kaydence not being able to hear music and sing or play an instrument. Music is my way of truly worshipping God and again, I want my kids to be able to do this too. I guess I have this selfish vision of my kids being able to sing and play together and with me, but hey, if hearing loss is all that Kaydence may have happen, then I guess I will just praise God anyway and she will find her own way to worship Him.
Wendy, I had no idea about this going on with your pregnancy. My heart is with you and your family. You've touched me with your post. Your heart shines out in these post, your love and trust of God and your love of your family. Hope shines here in your words and reaches out to all who read this and I can tell you that God is using you in the midst of your on pain and confusion to reach out to others. God is with you Wendy and He has a plan. I know through my own life over and over again that in the midst of pain that giving your trust to HIM is the only thing to do. Trust Him as you are, His love shines for you as much as your love shines for HIM. My prayers are with you all. I'm reading the rest of your post praying as I move upward to the most recent one.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Wendy.. reading this just reminds me of what an amazing person you are and why we are friends. It breaks my heart that you are having to go through this and I wish that I could take all of your worries away but you know I can't. You are so very strong and you gave me such encouraging words when we were dealing with Ty's brain tumor. I am still praying for you every day and we are seeing how really powerful he is!! You and I have seen it first hand. Love you dearly!
ReplyDeleteLauri