So along with learning new ways to help Kaydence, I have had my own self reflection of thoughts. So this post is more of a what is in Wendy's mind kind of post. Disclaimer: If you don't appreciate my thoughts, I don't care, because you haven't walked in my exact shoes, and I'm not looking for anyone's blessing or a debate.
1. I keep seeing this thing on Facebook about the ways to be a good wife according to a 1950s textbook for Home Economics. Now being a modern day Home Ec teacher, I seriously do not think this was in an actual textbook because renewal of body, mind or spirit was not a deal then. That's a today thing. I will also add that the other things listed aren't all a bad idea. I may give my husband a hard time, but I also know how much he appreciates a clean house and kids when he gets home. He does the same for me when I've been gone and he has been home and he is better at this actually. There are days when he has had a long day and when he walks in, I don't want to spew word vomit at him. I don't want to be the big complainer or nagging wife. I want my husband to actually be thankful he is coming home to ME each day. I like to work and have extra money, but the happiness of my family is much more important and my family includes my husband. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't care. Family is the building block of the world and as you can tell, the world, along with families, are pretty screwed up these days. I'd rather mine not be a part of that.
2. I like quiet and I don't think I have to talk to my daughter constantly, unlike other parents I've recently experienced. Hearing chatter all day wears me out. My daughter likes quiet too and I respect that. I also appreciate that. It usually ends in the wee hours of the morning, which brings me to number three.
3. I need uninterrupted sleep. I am exhausted. There has not been a ton of uninterrupted sleep since I was six months, more or less, pregnant with Wade. He is twelve. If I am grumpy, you now know why.
4. I really do like eating out even though I love cooking. I just like experiencing what other people can do with food. And I've also discovered that truly, Mexican food is my favorite.
5. I'm tired of fighting fat. I have measured and weighed food and counted points and macros and all of that jazz most of my adult life. I just want to eat. But game changer...now my fat fight is actually to put it on Kaydence. Now I'm measuring and weighing food for HER. I might as well go back to doing the same for me to lose, because referencing number four, I am steadily living up to my great grandmother's maiden name of Pounds.
6. I'm tired of pulling up the internet or watching the news and feeling like I'm watching an adult version of preschool tattle telling. There needs to be a limit to how long it's been since stuff happens for you to come back to destroy someone. I want victims of violent assault and molestation to speak up and feel empowered to press charges and put someone away for it, but those experiences are sure being minimized by women who didn't win a beauty pageant and now want a shot at fame. Conversely, shame on anyone, male or female, who uses a position of power in the workplace to try and gain favors, and ends/stifles a career when they don't gain the favors.
7. I really miss my little business. Seriously. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed making shirts and baby stuff and selling pretty clothes until I was away from it. It's a nice creative outlet for me. I want to do more with it, but I also like being on call for my family. Balance.
8. If I didn't have internet, I would be the mom who crochets all new mittens, scarves and beanies every year for my kids. I might even learn to knit sweaters. But it also gives me super headaches I've discovered. There is something about the movement of crochet that makes my head, neck and shoulders hurt so badly, that I can't even function. So I have to limit my handiwork time to avoid what is probably a tension headache, but advances to the migraine stage.
9. I love country living. Now had I come to a city right out of college, I would be different, but it's too late for me. I need my natural habitat, and that is back at Neyland Hill. (But I really enjoy food delivery!)
10. It doesn't matter how big or small a house is, I just need my whole family in it. Yet, I need a tiny moment of retreat. See number two!
11. I get so frustrated with the lack of cute shoes for kids with orthotics. I just wish I knew how to start my own shoe line because mommies don't want to dress their daughters (and sons) up all cute and then have the worst shoe selection ever in the history of shoes because nothing fits correctly over the orthotics. Nothing except for the shoes made for orthotics, most of which are ugly or weigh way too much. These shoes don't need to be heavy when kids are already wearing stiff and heavy braces. I've been told, they need shoes with good support. Why? They already have support. In the stiff braces. They just need traction and a cover. My kid doesn't need to lift weights as she tries to learn to walk. And please, no one else send me the link to the Nike shoe. I am thankful, but I want my daughter to have cute dress shoes, not just tennis shoes. And there are none in stock either. Why? Because it's the only decent looking shoe made to be worn with orthotics. Parents of kids with different abilities, or special needs, or whatever you want to label it, parents would just like their kids to look like other kids and to blend in a little and not wear gigantic looking shoes. We don't need our kids to look more different because no one will design and make things for them that downplay the difference. The saying, "Why blend in when you were born to stand out?" only goes so far people. There's a big difference in someone noticing your kid because they have the ability to dance or sing versus because they have on leg braces, walk on arm crutches, wear oxygen, sit in a wheelchair, drool on themselves, non-verbally but vocally assault you or any extra caregiver...see where I'm headed with this? Regardless of how open our world is to the differently-abled, it will never be open enough. Some may regard this as being vain, but those are most likely the folks who haven't had a kid with a physical and mental disability.
12. I appreciate my mother more and more each day, even though it's hard to have two grown women in the same household. She is very honest about what she thinks. Sometimes that hasn't been too easy, but we all have to take the time to suck it up and think on honest thoughts. Our moms have already lived a whole lifetime before having us, and just think of what our grandmothers have seen. It's worth listening to and being thankful for. I'm also just glad to still have my momma. Many my age don't.
13. I value education more each day as well. I am thankful for these people who took the time to figure out a system to get my daughter to eat more. I am thankful for the folks who invented lasers that lighten birthmarks. I am thankful for those who think it is worthwhile to question the status quo and make improvements that are educated and are actual improvements.
14. Really this probably should be higher, but I love my community that is Centerville. People have been taking care of my family while I've been gone. Honestly they are probably better taken care of by our village than they are when I am home, but you know what? I think our whole family will appreciate each other so much more from now on. It's been a crazy year since Wade broke his arm, but our village keeps supporting us each step of the way. I also love my extended family. I have extended cousins that I love like siblings and just their words and daily messages make me feel better. And then there is the friend who came to see me just to give me a mental break. I sent her back to help finish up our Christmas preparations since I won't be home. Jen is a trooper that is for sure.
15. Also, a member of my village sent me a box fan. It drowns out all street noise except bass booming from somewhere, and emergency response vehicle sirens. Thank you friend, because I do sleep a little better now...if Kaydence would only follow suit...
16. I am not as strong as people think. I am a weak individual alone. It is by God's grace that I am strong. Without God, I'd be a lonely, angry, bitter woman. Through Him, my sins are forgiven, my wounds are healed, my heart is strengthened, and I can forgive. I can love. I can move forward. I can support my daughter. It is easy to be lonely, angry and bitter, but I make a conscious effort to not be and rely on God.
17. I've never felt like Satan could throw so much at me in such a short amount of time. My pastor says when there is going to be something big that is a glory to God, Satan is going to do whatever it takes to stop that. I've said several times that if God told me to take Kaydence to the Jordan River and dip her in it however many times to heal her I would. However, He told me to take her to Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore and immerse her in this program. A few days before we left she had a horrible stomach virus. My aunt died. I was feeling completely overwhelmed. The hardest part of leaving was leaving my grandma. Since I've been staying home, I've tried to make more time to head to Fairfield and see her as long as we are all well. I went to visit her the day before we left and the last thing I said (besides I love you) was, "Grandma, don't do anything crazy or get sick while I'm gone." She laughed at me, and I laughed to keep from crying. Two days after we were gone, she had a stroke - they guess. And last week, a mild heart attack. I texted my aunt to remind her of what I said and she texted back that Grandma laughed and shook her head yes. Guess I should have been more specific about what "anything crazy or get sick" meant! Needless to say, I've been more than a little on edge being gone for two months. I've been so nervous she will leave us, and besides my heart being crushed, I have prayed so hard for no interruptions in all of this for Kaydence. She needs to be successful and needing to suddenly leave would be hard. I've been in a real struggle about just trusting in God's will, but I just keep on praying about it. This week we also had a mild illness with fever blisters. Kaydence couldn't interact with the other kids because they could catch them too and these kids aren't all just the healthiest little guys. It's been a hard, hard week.
18. Next week is going to be amazing. I just know it. I have promised myself to be better at being positive in a world where being negative is so much easier (even though some of this could probably be more positive). Kaydence is going to hit 33 pounds and then be 34 before we leave. She is going to stop fighting me trying to give her food (someday) and eventually she will eat all on her own. My older kids ask me things like, "Is she walking yet?" or "Have they taught her to talk yet?" I answer with a positive, "Not yet, but someday she will, and she is eating better. That's what we are here for." It's gonna happen eventually, because I've just heard too many parents of older kids encourage me while we've been here. Positive thinking.
Self reflection is not always a bad thing, and I could probably add to this more and more and more before we come home, but I have to turn the way I think just a little bit. I adjust. I move forward. I do what I can for all of my family, not just Kaydence. It is always a journey, some parts of the journey are just more intense for some of us. So many Bible verses resonate in my mind, but 2 Timothy 4:7 may sum up life for many of us..."I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." That is how I will try to live, because that is how I want to finish the race, by keeping the faith.
1. I keep seeing this thing on Facebook about the ways to be a good wife according to a 1950s textbook for Home Economics. Now being a modern day Home Ec teacher, I seriously do not think this was in an actual textbook because renewal of body, mind or spirit was not a deal then. That's a today thing. I will also add that the other things listed aren't all a bad idea. I may give my husband a hard time, but I also know how much he appreciates a clean house and kids when he gets home. He does the same for me when I've been gone and he has been home and he is better at this actually. There are days when he has had a long day and when he walks in, I don't want to spew word vomit at him. I don't want to be the big complainer or nagging wife. I want my husband to actually be thankful he is coming home to ME each day. I like to work and have extra money, but the happiness of my family is much more important and my family includes my husband. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't care. Family is the building block of the world and as you can tell, the world, along with families, are pretty screwed up these days. I'd rather mine not be a part of that.
2. I like quiet and I don't think I have to talk to my daughter constantly, unlike other parents I've recently experienced. Hearing chatter all day wears me out. My daughter likes quiet too and I respect that. I also appreciate that. It usually ends in the wee hours of the morning, which brings me to number three.
3. I need uninterrupted sleep. I am exhausted. There has not been a ton of uninterrupted sleep since I was six months, more or less, pregnant with Wade. He is twelve. If I am grumpy, you now know why.
4. I really do like eating out even though I love cooking. I just like experiencing what other people can do with food. And I've also discovered that truly, Mexican food is my favorite.
5. I'm tired of fighting fat. I have measured and weighed food and counted points and macros and all of that jazz most of my adult life. I just want to eat. But game changer...now my fat fight is actually to put it on Kaydence. Now I'm measuring and weighing food for HER. I might as well go back to doing the same for me to lose, because referencing number four, I am steadily living up to my great grandmother's maiden name of Pounds.
6. I'm tired of pulling up the internet or watching the news and feeling like I'm watching an adult version of preschool tattle telling. There needs to be a limit to how long it's been since stuff happens for you to come back to destroy someone. I want victims of violent assault and molestation to speak up and feel empowered to press charges and put someone away for it, but those experiences are sure being minimized by women who didn't win a beauty pageant and now want a shot at fame. Conversely, shame on anyone, male or female, who uses a position of power in the workplace to try and gain favors, and ends/stifles a career when they don't gain the favors.
7. I really miss my little business. Seriously. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed making shirts and baby stuff and selling pretty clothes until I was away from it. It's a nice creative outlet for me. I want to do more with it, but I also like being on call for my family. Balance.
8. If I didn't have internet, I would be the mom who crochets all new mittens, scarves and beanies every year for my kids. I might even learn to knit sweaters. But it also gives me super headaches I've discovered. There is something about the movement of crochet that makes my head, neck and shoulders hurt so badly, that I can't even function. So I have to limit my handiwork time to avoid what is probably a tension headache, but advances to the migraine stage.
9. I love country living. Now had I come to a city right out of college, I would be different, but it's too late for me. I need my natural habitat, and that is back at Neyland Hill. (But I really enjoy food delivery!)
10. It doesn't matter how big or small a house is, I just need my whole family in it. Yet, I need a tiny moment of retreat. See number two!
11. I get so frustrated with the lack of cute shoes for kids with orthotics. I just wish I knew how to start my own shoe line because mommies don't want to dress their daughters (and sons) up all cute and then have the worst shoe selection ever in the history of shoes because nothing fits correctly over the orthotics. Nothing except for the shoes made for orthotics, most of which are ugly or weigh way too much. These shoes don't need to be heavy when kids are already wearing stiff and heavy braces. I've been told, they need shoes with good support. Why? They already have support. In the stiff braces. They just need traction and a cover. My kid doesn't need to lift weights as she tries to learn to walk. And please, no one else send me the link to the Nike shoe. I am thankful, but I want my daughter to have cute dress shoes, not just tennis shoes. And there are none in stock either. Why? Because it's the only decent looking shoe made to be worn with orthotics. Parents of kids with different abilities, or special needs, or whatever you want to label it, parents would just like their kids to look like other kids and to blend in a little and not wear gigantic looking shoes. We don't need our kids to look more different because no one will design and make things for them that downplay the difference. The saying, "Why blend in when you were born to stand out?" only goes so far people. There's a big difference in someone noticing your kid because they have the ability to dance or sing versus because they have on leg braces, walk on arm crutches, wear oxygen, sit in a wheelchair, drool on themselves, non-verbally but vocally assault you or any extra caregiver...see where I'm headed with this? Regardless of how open our world is to the differently-abled, it will never be open enough. Some may regard this as being vain, but those are most likely the folks who haven't had a kid with a physical and mental disability.
12. I appreciate my mother more and more each day, even though it's hard to have two grown women in the same household. She is very honest about what she thinks. Sometimes that hasn't been too easy, but we all have to take the time to suck it up and think on honest thoughts. Our moms have already lived a whole lifetime before having us, and just think of what our grandmothers have seen. It's worth listening to and being thankful for. I'm also just glad to still have my momma. Many my age don't.
13. I value education more each day as well. I am thankful for these people who took the time to figure out a system to get my daughter to eat more. I am thankful for the folks who invented lasers that lighten birthmarks. I am thankful for those who think it is worthwhile to question the status quo and make improvements that are educated and are actual improvements.
14. Really this probably should be higher, but I love my community that is Centerville. People have been taking care of my family while I've been gone. Honestly they are probably better taken care of by our village than they are when I am home, but you know what? I think our whole family will appreciate each other so much more from now on. It's been a crazy year since Wade broke his arm, but our village keeps supporting us each step of the way. I also love my extended family. I have extended cousins that I love like siblings and just their words and daily messages make me feel better. And then there is the friend who came to see me just to give me a mental break. I sent her back to help finish up our Christmas preparations since I won't be home. Jen is a trooper that is for sure.
15. Also, a member of my village sent me a box fan. It drowns out all street noise except bass booming from somewhere, and emergency response vehicle sirens. Thank you friend, because I do sleep a little better now...if Kaydence would only follow suit...
16. I am not as strong as people think. I am a weak individual alone. It is by God's grace that I am strong. Without God, I'd be a lonely, angry, bitter woman. Through Him, my sins are forgiven, my wounds are healed, my heart is strengthened, and I can forgive. I can love. I can move forward. I can support my daughter. It is easy to be lonely, angry and bitter, but I make a conscious effort to not be and rely on God.
17. I've never felt like Satan could throw so much at me in such a short amount of time. My pastor says when there is going to be something big that is a glory to God, Satan is going to do whatever it takes to stop that. I've said several times that if God told me to take Kaydence to the Jordan River and dip her in it however many times to heal her I would. However, He told me to take her to Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore and immerse her in this program. A few days before we left she had a horrible stomach virus. My aunt died. I was feeling completely overwhelmed. The hardest part of leaving was leaving my grandma. Since I've been staying home, I've tried to make more time to head to Fairfield and see her as long as we are all well. I went to visit her the day before we left and the last thing I said (besides I love you) was, "Grandma, don't do anything crazy or get sick while I'm gone." She laughed at me, and I laughed to keep from crying. Two days after we were gone, she had a stroke - they guess. And last week, a mild heart attack. I texted my aunt to remind her of what I said and she texted back that Grandma laughed and shook her head yes. Guess I should have been more specific about what "anything crazy or get sick" meant! Needless to say, I've been more than a little on edge being gone for two months. I've been so nervous she will leave us, and besides my heart being crushed, I have prayed so hard for no interruptions in all of this for Kaydence. She needs to be successful and needing to suddenly leave would be hard. I've been in a real struggle about just trusting in God's will, but I just keep on praying about it. This week we also had a mild illness with fever blisters. Kaydence couldn't interact with the other kids because they could catch them too and these kids aren't all just the healthiest little guys. It's been a hard, hard week.
18. Next week is going to be amazing. I just know it. I have promised myself to be better at being positive in a world where being negative is so much easier (even though some of this could probably be more positive). Kaydence is going to hit 33 pounds and then be 34 before we leave. She is going to stop fighting me trying to give her food (someday) and eventually she will eat all on her own. My older kids ask me things like, "Is she walking yet?" or "Have they taught her to talk yet?" I answer with a positive, "Not yet, but someday she will, and she is eating better. That's what we are here for." It's gonna happen eventually, because I've just heard too many parents of older kids encourage me while we've been here. Positive thinking.
Self reflection is not always a bad thing, and I could probably add to this more and more and more before we come home, but I have to turn the way I think just a little bit. I adjust. I move forward. I do what I can for all of my family, not just Kaydence. It is always a journey, some parts of the journey are just more intense for some of us. So many Bible verses resonate in my mind, but 2 Timothy 4:7 may sum up life for many of us..."I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." That is how I will try to live, because that is how I want to finish the race, by keeping the faith.
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