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Peace

I wrote before that I have recently read the book Angel Unaware and that I have new perspective about the travel sometimes required of me in my job. After I left my appointments today, I traveled to Allen for my annual work "retreat," which I must admit is actually a high point in the year. I get to see agents I don't see very often in a relaxed work setting. And I actually get something out of the training we do. I've learned that there are often times I go to trainings and never really take away anything, which is very disappointing. But not at this training!

So here I am feeling like a bad momma because I am away from my kids for 3 nights and I am missing them, but enjoying the solitude. I have a chance to think about writing this. I have a chance to visit friends - like my college buddies I saw for dinner tonight - what a blessing! I have a chance to really get back to praying because I have slacked off the past few weeks I am ashamed to admit. When you get into a habit of really, truly praying and seeking God, then you get away from it, you miss it. I could not wait to read my Bible tonight. I could not wait to write about today. I could not wait to talk to God about today.

I recently tried to begin an online devotional group studying Ephesians and I have failed miserably at really reading and praying and studying each day. I play catch up and then get behind again. I cannot seem to make myself wake up early to do it and I'm very exhausted at night when I get home. But I will get there eventually!

So I titled this entry "Peace" because after reading Angel Unaware, I also keep thinking in my mind that Dale praises Roy for singing "Peace in the Valley" at Houston while dealing with all of the struggles of Robin's health and it being the best he had ever done. I love singing. If I could've made it as a singer, that's what I'd love to do. Singing at church is something that I enjoy because it is my way to share God with others, but since all of this has happened with Kaydence, I just can't sing anymore. I am afraid I will just break down into tears, which isn't far fetched as I cry in a non-pregnant state sometimes too. I can't even make it through some hymns in church or just singing by myself! I just keep wondering how Roy kept singing with such peace? I want some of that! And not just now, but forever. My only thought is to keep praying about it. I have been praying for peace and to sing without choking up. I know with time and prayer it's going to happen, but it sure is hard to wait. However, what choice do I have?

I also have all of these song lyrics swirling in my head to music, but I can't ever physically put them down all together. I'd love to write songs about how I feel right now, but I just don't know how. I know this sounds crazy, but I hear music most all of the time in my head, or is it my heart? Whichever it is, I want to share it. Maybe some things aren't meant to be shared? Maybe they are personally for your own heart? I just don't know. But God will, again, take care of everything in His own way. I just have to be open to it! Someday it's going to all come together and I'm going to sing a song about my experience with God. It may just be little FUMC Centerville who hears it, but that's okay with me. I just want to share my praise and my family is the best group I can ever imagine sharing it with!

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